My Kid's an Alien!
by andyjay18
Summary: Lum's pregnant, and Ataru realizes he has to make her an honest woman again. Hopefully as little people as possible will find out...
1. Default Chapter

MY KID'S AN ALIEN!-An "Urusei Yatsura" Fanfic by Andrew D. Johnson (androo@cox.net)  
  
The characters of "Urusei Yatsura" are the property of Rumiko Takahashi. But I'm not gonna make any money off this story, so what're you gonna do about it?  
  
On Christmas Day, Ataru Moroboshi finally pledged his love to Lum the alien girl, and proposed to her. So that night, Lum gave him a "reward". Ataru, as you might expect, had a copy of the "Kama Sutra" in his room, and the two tried just about everything. Boy, Lum was sure excellent in the sack. He sorely regretted how he had tried to reject her advances all this time; since she was truly the best thing ever to happen to him. And now that they were finally destined to be husband and wife, both went all the way, without any protection. Of course, such actions always have the inevitable consequence.  
  
A week later, on New Year's morning, Ataru woke up and walked toward the bathroom, only to find the door closed and locked. "Don't come in, Darling," Lum's voice sounded, groggily. "BARRFFF!" Ataru's heart nearly exploded. Lum was sick, and it was morning, so could that mean.? Oh no. "Uhh," he stammered, "I guess you don't want any breakfast, then," he called to her. "Do you want to see a doctor?" "Not right now, Darling," Lum answered, flushing the toilet and emerging. "In fact, I'm really hungry right now! You know what I could go for? Some pizza and ice cream!" Ataru turned green, ran for the toilet, and began puking his guts out.  
  
Later that day, Lum went to the drugstore and picked up a home pregnancy test. Sure enough, the water was blue. When Lum made the distressing news official, the two burst into tears and buried their faces in each others' shoulders. "Oh God, Darling, what was I thinking?" she sobbed. "Well," Ataru encouraged her, "the baby isn't due for another 9 months. We can get married before then." "Well actually, Darling," Lum responded, "w-we.have about.a month." Ataru fainted. "A month! I thought Oni babies were born more developed than humans! I mean, look at Ten, for crying out loud!" At this very moment, Ten, who had previously been out girl-chasing, flew in. "Oni babies, eh? Talking about me?" "Uh, heh-heh," stammered Ataru embarrassedly, "yeah. Lum was wondering how we should potty-train you." "Don't be stupid," the alien toddler shot back. "You guys have been going at it like rabbits just released from prison for the past week." An evil grin sprouted across his face. "And I've been watching you the whole time through a crack in the closet door. You're pregnant, aren't you, Lum- chan?" Lum burst into tears and embraced her young cousin. "Yes, Ten-chan. I was so stupid! Now we're going to have to get married sometime in the next month." Ataru braced himself for an assault of flames. But Ten didn't breathe fire on him. "A-aren't you mad at me for.knocking your cousin up?" he asked. "Hell no!" Ten answered. "Now I'll have another cousin to play and go girl-chasing with! I finally have a guy my own age to hang out with, instead of you and your idiot Earthling friends!" Suddenly Ataru realized this might not be half bad. "How do you know it won't be a girl, Ten-chan?" asked Lum. "Well, if she is, then she can keep Mako busy!" Ataru ignored him and turned to Lum. "So Lum, what do you mean the baby will arrive in a month?" "Well, Darling, not the baby itself," she began. "You see, Onis hatch from eggs. After I.um, lay the egg, it'll be about nine months before the baby emerges." Ataru collapsed and just stared at the ceiling for a bit. Was this really happening? Had he really slept with an alien girl and was his offspring really going to hatch from an egg like a bird? The thought caused him to giggle. Before long, he broke out laughing, and lay there thrashing with mirth. "No, ho ho ho ho!" he guffawed. "It can't be true! It's just too insay-hay-hay-hay-hane! Wa ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa!" "Darling!" Lum yelled, grabbing him and shocking him back to his senses. "Like it or not, this is just the way things are now, and we have to take the present and make the best of it." She smiled lovingly at her Earthling beau. "I always wanted us to have a baby from the day we met. We-we'll just have to get married a little sooner than we would've expected. I just don't know how we'll break the news to everybody, though."  
  
"Hey, what's all that ruckus?" inquired Ataru's mom, peering into her son's room. It didn't take long for her to find the take-home pregnancy test on the floor, with Lum holding a test tube filled with blue water. "Lum," she croaked in a voice that wasn't hers. "You're preg.." Before she could finish the sentence, the color drained from her face and she collapsed in the hallway. "Honey," asked Ataru's dad, who had been coming up the stairs when he saw her faint. "Are you all AUGHHHHH!!!" He sank to his knees and began crying. "Oh Kami-sama, how could you do this to me? I've still got three mortgages to pay! How could you let my idiot son father a child? WHYYYY???" "Look, Mr. Moroboshi," Lum told him, "it was my fault as well. I-I was as eager as Darling, and now.I'm gonna be a teenage mother!" She broke down crying again. "W-we'll get married in the cheapest way possible. Like maybe we'll go to Beppu." Beppu is a hot-springs resort on the southern Japanese island of Kyushu, known for Las Vegas-style nightlife, a low morality level, and quickie marriage chapels. Ataru's dad had stopped crying, and just sat there as if he were shell-shocked. "Three mortgages.my son's an illegitimate father.I hate my life."  
  
"WHAAAT!!!!" shrieked Shinobu. "Y-you knocked Lum up?" Ataru nodded with a look on his face like that of a puppy caught in the act of chewing up an expensive dress. "You scumbag JERK!!! When are you gonna get it through your thick skull that you can't just go around like a freaking tomcat? How are you gonna pay to support your kid? You don't any kind of job, you." "All right already!" Ataru huffed. "I realize I made a mistake! Just don't tell anyone, okay? Lum and I will break the news to Mendo and Ran. Ever since Ran started going out with Rei, she's somewhat laid off her plans to get revenge on Lum." Shinobu glared at him coldly. "Why shouldn't I? The public humiliation would be fitting." "See that tree there?" Lum asked Shinobu sternly. She pointed her finger at it and sent a jagged lightning bolt to it. It promptly exploded, sending the students congregating around it scattering. She then turned back to Shinobu, grinning wickedly. "So I'd keep my mouth shut if I were you, t'cha." "My lips are sealed," Shinobu answered, backing away with a face of chalk.  
  
Ran acted snotty and bitchy about the news at first, but for once turned pleasant and understanding about the issue. It seemed she and Lum had finally gotten their bad blood out of the way, probably because Rei was dating her now. Mendo, however, had a reaction similar to Shinobu. "Ha! It figures that a loathsome lech like yourself would conceive a child in sin! Just wait until I tell my father the news! He's a personal acquaintance of Ted Turner and Bill Gates themselves! I can see the headlines now: 'Japanese Boy Conceives Child with Alien!' 'Space Girl Expecting Half-Human Child!' The British tabloids will have a field day!" Lum smiled at him. "I'll give you a reward if you don't." "Ha! Remember how rich I am, Lum-chan! No amount of money you give me will be enough to keep me quiet!" "Then how about a non-monetary reward, t'cha?" she drawled, giving him a full-on French kiss. "Gaa!" he gasped. "I-I'm sorry, Lum-chan, but I still must refuse." "Then how about I kiss you?" Ran responded. She had been standing nearby. After saying that she held up a potted flower and kissed it. The flower suddenly wilted, turned dry and brittle, and sank to the bottom of the pot. Mendo moved backward a bit. "D-don't worry about a thing, Lum-chan. Your secret will be safe with just us."  
  
After a hectic week, Lum picked out a nice wedding dress, Ataru rented a tux, the invitations were sent out, and everyone headed down to Beppu for the long-awaited day. Invited as witnesses were Shinobu, Inaba, Mendo, Asuka, Lum's parents, Ataru's parents, Ran, Benten, Oyuki, Sakura, Tsubame, and Cherry. Normally inviting Cherry would have been out of the question, but he would have mysteriously tagged along somehow and popped up at the most inappropriate of times if they hadn't. As it was a quickie wedding chapel, the only music in there was from a tinny keyboard with the Wedding March being played by a frumpy old lady. The justice of the peace looked more like a used car salesman than a man of the cloth. "Oh Darling, it may not be quite what I pictured, but I'm just so glad we're finally getting married," Lum cooed, gleefully clutching her man's arm. "Yeah," Ataru added, feeling an unexpected surge of excitement. He was really going to be tied down now, and lose all his flirting privileges, yet he didn't mind. Even though the bulge of the coming baby was starting to show, Lum still seemed like the prettiest girl in the universe. He was also relieved that Lum's father hadn't murdered him after the news about his daughter's pregnancy came; in fact he was proud to finally be a grandfather, and besides, they had already been engaged for about two years now. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to bring together in holy matrimony Ataru Moroboshi and Rumiko Invader!" Lum giggled. "Umm, my name's Lum, not Rumiko." "But Lum is short for Rumiko, isn't it?" "Actually," Lum corrected. "Lum is an Urusian name. It's short for Lumyadadshkotyrurowopucosuawoxroewohghaoyryyroeyey." She went on for another two minutes. "Just call me Lum, t'cha." "Uhh, okay," answered the justice. "Ahem, do you, Ataru Moroboshi, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?" Ataru felt as if time had stopped. He was going to be Lum's husband. That meant no girl-chasing, no flirting, no. Then he looked over and saw her perky blue eyes, ditzy smile, and.curves despite her flowing white wedding gown. "I do!" he announced. A golden light of joy flashed in Lum's eyes. "And do you, Lum Invader, take this man to be your lawfully wedded hus-" "I do, t'cha!" she joyously cheered. She looked as if she would burst with pleasure. "Then by the power vested in me, I hereby pronounce you man and wife!" announced the justice. "Here's 50 yen worth of chips at Wishiwashi's Casino, home of the loosest slots this side of Las Vegas! You may kiss the bride." The two embraced each other tightly and kissed passionately. "Ow! Hey, no frenching, honey!" Ataru told his new bride. "Remember you have fangs." "Sorry, Darling," Lum answered. Everyone in the audience cheered, partly out of congratulations for the couple, partly because the women now knew that Ataru wouldn't be chasing them anymore. But over the tinny version of the Wedding March being played on a keyboard, Ran, seated near the back, heard something. It was almost like an earthquake, but the ground wasn't shaking. Along with was something sounding like.voices. She tried to warn her childhood friend as she came waltzing down the aisle with her new husband, but as always, Lum refused to listen. They opened the door, and stopped short. Just about every reporter on the planet was there, snapping cameras in their faces, and chattering questions. They all came at such a rapid- fire pace that Ataru couldn't actually discern any of their content, but he thought he could pick up such words and phrases as, "alien", "pregnant", "child", "what was it like?", and "baby". "All right!" Ataru bellowed to the equally stunned audience. "Who here told the media?" Ataru's father grinned embarassedly at him. "Heh heh, well.I'm sorry, son! We need the money, especially you, now that you're going to be a father!" Both his son and new daughter-in-law were now rather pissed. "You dirty traitor!" both growled, rushing at him. But before they could reach him. "Pardon me, son. U.S. State Department," stated a man dressed completely in a dark suit, with black glasses, revealing a wallet with his ID card. "We've received word that extraterrestrials have landed in this vicinity." "Y-y-yes sir," Lum answered. "I'm an alien from Planet Uru. Those there are my parents, and those are my friends, all also from Planet Uru." "Madam, you're going to have to come with us for testing and quarantine of any possible alien diseases. Same with your parents and friends." "Whaaaat?" gasped Ataru as dark-suited American government agents flooded into the chapel and seized Lum and all her friends and parents. "Hey! She's my wife! You can't do this to herrrrrrr!" "DARLING!! DARLING!! HELLLLLLLLP!!!!" Lum screamed, tears streaming down her face as two burly agents tried to carry her off to a truck. "Why you son of a." Ataru tried to rush after them, but was seized by two other agents, who held him tight. Lum then turned to the defensive, as one would expect. She started spewing electric sparks and biting with her sharp fangs. Unfortunately this only made things worse for her situation. "She's dangerous, men! Try to restrain her!" More people rushed out of the chaos, wrapped her in a straitjacket, and shot her full of tranquilizer. Before long, the poor Oni girl was subdued, and loaded into the truck with the rest. "NOOOOOOOO!!!!" Ataru howled. He then bent down and burst into tears. Shinobu made her way through the melee, punching a few annoying journalists out of the way to comfort him. "Oh God, Ataru, how can they do this to you?" she sighed. "And on your wedding day, no less?" And also just when he was learning to get over his lechery, she thought. Meanwhile, angry eyes had turned to Ataru's dad. "How could you do this without asking me first?" snapped his mom. "Who knows what they could do to her? A real alien autopsy, perhaps? And while she's pregnant, too, with our grandchild!" "Well, he should have thought of that before he knocked her up," answered Ataru's dad sternly. "Besides, you know we need the money we'll get from all the publicity! We have five mortgages to pay! Five!" "Honey, you just look over there at your son and tell me if it's worth all that money," his mom scolded, pointing to Ataru sobbing in the arms of Shinobu, while Mendo, Sakura, Asuka, and Cherry all tried to field questions from the media sharks. Just then, another large suited man in glasses came up to Ataru. "Son, are you the boy who was marrying an alien?" "Yes," Ataru blurted. "until you guys abducted her." "Well then, I'd like you to come with me." "A-a-are you another American government agent?" "No, I'm an American network executive. You're story sounds excellent for 'The Jeremy Spangler Show', a very popular daytime 'talk' show in America. We'd like you to appear on it." "No! I've already undergone enough humiliation!" he shouted. The man's face turned grim. "No one goes against the will of American television," he darkly told Ataru. He then thrust a rag around Ataru's mouth and nose. The rag smelled strongly of some kind of chemical. He could hear his friends and parents protesting for a bit, then the world seemed to grow darker and sound faded around him. Just before he lost conciousness, Ataru realized that he'd just been chloroformed. 


	2. Chapter 2

My Kid's an Alien! Part 2-An "Urusei Yatsura" fanfiction  
  
Based on Characters by Rumiko Takahashi Directed by Andrew D. "Spielberg of Generation X" Johnson Produced by The Voices in My Head Starring Butthead as Ataru Moroboshi Carmen Electra as Lum Calvin's Parents from "Calvin and Hobbes" as Ataru's Parents Wendy Testaberger from "South Park" as Shinobu Miyake Reggie from "Archie" as Shutaro Mendo Winona Ryder as Ran Milhouse Van Houten as Megane Boomhauer from "King of the Hill" as U.S. President George "Dubya" Bush Osama bin Laden as Atty. Gen. John Ashcroft The General Sherman sequoia tree as one of the Government Agents The Clone Army from "Attack of the Clones" as the entire CIA and FBI Bender from "Futurama" as the Guy in Charge of Area 51 Geraldo Rivera as Jeremy Spangler Barbara Walters as Ten  
  
Music by Some Japanese Women I Found in a Karaoke Bar (hey, I was working on shoestring budget here! I can't afford Megumi Hayashibara or Kikuko Inoue!) Edited by Hewlett-Packard Computers, and anyone willing to write a review Special Effects by Industrial Lum and Manga, Pennassagunk, New Jersey Sound by 1138 Sound Systems, Rancho del Lucas, California Stunt-Doubles: Anyone willing Catering Provided by the Happy Sumo Sushi Restaurant of Springfield, ??? No Onis or any other species of alien were harmed in any way in the making of this story. Some did die, but peacefully and with very little pain.  
  
"Weirdness! Wildness! These are people with more problems than you could ever imagine! All tonight on the Jeremy Spangler Show! Tonight's guest is a teenager from Japan named Ataru Moroboshi! He's got a domestic problem that's out of this world.out of this galaxy in fact! He actually impregnated, and just yesterday married.a real live space alien! So let's meet our guest on today's edition: 'My Wife and Kid are Aliens'!" The boisterous crowd in the audience was cheering as a groggy Ataru was led onstage, still recovering from the chloroform. "Ughh." he groaned. "Whuzz happening?" "Just let me do the talking," a Japanese interpreter told him. He helped Ataru to a chair where he sat down in front of a crowd of barely civilized American white trash, some cheering, some booing. He simply couldn't decide what to think. And where was Lum? And his parents? And all the rest of the gang? In short, what the hell was going on here? The last thing he remembered was tussling with the media and government agents in front of the chapel. "So Ataru," asked an ordinary-looking American man sitting on a chair to his left, with curly hair and glasses "how does it feel to be the father of an alien being? Do you and your wife get along well?" "Wait," Ataru said in Japanese. "Could you tell me what the hell is going on here? Where are all my friends? Where's my wife, for crying out loud?" The Japanese interpreter said in English, "He says, 'What the hell am I doing here? I've got a hangover, so I can't tell where I am! And where's my wife? I wanna smack that bitch-ho around for forgetting to take her pill or get an abortion!'" The crowd thunderously booed. "Hey!" he gasped, not sure of what was going on. English was never his strongest subject. Actually, he wasn't that strong in any of his school subjects, but that's another story. "What did you just tell them?" he asked the Japanese interpreter. "Why are they booing at me?" "He says, 'Don't talk so loud! I'm still coming down! Oh God, I need a fix bad!'" The crowd howled like a cageful of rabid beasts. Jeremy spoke up. "Tsk, tsk. This obviously isn't the way to run a family. Now, what say we invite Ataru's wife onstage now. Here's the alien herself, Princess Lum of Planet Uru!" The crowd erupted in cheers as a stage hand led a lady onstage that was obviously not Lum. She was a grotesquely obese American earth lady, with mountainous bun hairdo dyed green, and fake horns. She was also clad in a tiger-striped bikini, but this lady was about ten sizes too large. Her thighs, gut, and breasts were like flowing lava, and her face put him in mind of Patsy from "Absolutely Fabulous". She wasn't just over the hill, she was a pinprick on the horizon. She began fake-crying as soon as the cameras were focused on her. "Ever since we started datin'," she sobbed in a Texas accent that sounded remarkably like Luanne from "King of the Hill", "Ah bin tryin' to give Darlin' here all my lovin'! Ah jes' do all Ah can keep him happy! But lately he's bin getting drunk all the tahm an' tellin' me Ah'm fat an' ugly, an', an'.Now he's bin slappin' me aroun' cuz Ah'm pregnant with his baby! He wonts me t' git an abortion, but Ah cain't git an abortion cuz Ah love Jesus an'." "Hey, wait just a damn minute here!" Ataru exploded. "That's not Lum! What the hell have you done with her? Why am I here?" The annoying Japanese interpreter "translated", "He says, 'You fat alien bitch! I'll tell you why I hate your guts! You're a stupid American trailer-trash ho who forgot to take her pills! You can sleep in the flatbed of my pickup tonight! And if you don't get an abortion, I'm gonna dump you like the fat piece of s(bleep) you are!" The crowd screamed for Ataru's blood. "Okay, now let's take this issue to the audience," Jeremy offered. A fat black woman wearing a purple shirt with the Venus symbol on it stood up. "This stupid s.o.b. is an example of how women are still being abused in this country! Don't that dopehead little chink know a fine lady when he sees one, even if she be from space? Or is he too stoned out of his head to know that women are mo' then just toys for boys? Power to da grrrls! Femme powah!" Ataru couldn't understand a word, of course, but he could tell by everyone's tones that it couldn't be good. He put his head in his hands, groaned, and wished he could just die right there and then. But then he heard a familiar voice. "Psst, over here." Ataru glanced over his shoulder to the backstage area. There, hiding under a bundle of cables and rags, was Ten-chan. "Oh my God, I'm actually glad to see you, Ten-chan. But what am I doing here? And what are you doing here?" "I'll explain later. Right now I've got a plan to bust you out." As the show went to a commercial break, Ten fluttered up and whispered in Ataru's ear.  
  
Just before the show came back on, Jeremy Spangler, host of America's sleaziest talk show, was quietly laughing to himself. "Heh heh," he thought. "Jerry Springer could only get the KKK. Jenny Jones could only get crack whores. Sally-Jessy Raphael could only get transvestite lovers. Geraldo Rivera could only go to Afghanistan and see the war on terror up close. But I on the other hand, I could get a real live pregnant space alien and her Japanese husband! Eat your heart out, competition!.Okay, and we're back on today's edition of 'The Jeremy Spangler Show'; 'My Wife and Kids are Aliens!' Here are our guests for today; Ataru Moroboshi, a Japanese teenage boy with a penchant for flirting, and his comely wife, Lum the alien girl!" Ataru stood up. "Uh, before I begin, I've got some people I'd like you to meet!" He opened the stage door, and two bedraggled-looking waifs, a young boy and girl, ran onstage towards Jeremy and the fake "Lum". "Hi mommy! Hi daddy!" they shouted, joyously pouncing on "Lum"'s lap and hugging Jeremy's legs. "Yahh!" screamed Jeremy, turning ghostly pale. "Uhh, how did you know about this?" "I'll tell you how, you jerk!" bellowed a tough-looking girl who emerged from the audience. "Aiee! Wanda, h-h-how've you been lately?" "So you mean to tell me you abandoned the kids? Why you." She advanced on him. The crowd was now booing and moving in on Jeremy. "Heh heh, uhh, folks, why don't we go back to the alien."  
  
Meanwhile Ataru and Ten managed to slip out the stage door. "So Ten, how did you know those were his illegitimate kids?" Ten's eyes widened. "I didn't. I just went to the local orphanage and paid them to make an appearance." Ataru glanced around him. Wherever he was now, it wasn't Japan. "So, where exactly are we?" "Los Angeles. The American Broadcasting Network-ABN-abducted you to appear on that talk show." It was night now, but sure enough, Ataru could make out the famous California palm trees around the TV studio lot. He had always wanted to see California, just not this way. "Gee, thanks, Ten-chan. But where is everyone else? And most of all, where's Lum-chan?" "Psst! We're right here, Ataru-kun!" hissed Shinobu's voice. It was coming from a nearby alley between sound stages. Sure enough, hiding there behind some dumpsters were the whole gang-Shinobu, Mendo, Ataru's parents, Sakura, and of course Cherry. "We've launched a guerrilla operation to recapture you, and then Lum and all the other aliens." "I spied on my dad a bit," Mendo responded. "It seems that Lum, Ran, Oyuki, Benten, and Lum's parents are being held for quarantine and physical tests at Area 51, the top-secret military base in the state of Nevada." "Then how did you escape, Ten-chan?" Ataru asked. "Well, weddings make me bored, so I was flying around outside. But then I saw the army vehicles coming, so I hid out in a dumpster." "And.seeing how it was my fault," Ataru's dad chimed in, "I decided the least I could do was help find a way to get you guys out of this." "And, even though Lum is your wife now," Mendo added, "I would still do anything for her. Plus, well.You're an okay guy, Moroboshi." "Gee, thanks, Mendo." "Just please try NOT to screw up this operation by checking out girls!" "Okay. So how did you guys get here? Did you take Mendo's private jet?" "No," he answered. "My dad's a member of the very military- industrial complex that is imprisoning those girls! We had to keep this a complete secret, so we flew here by Japan Airlines and rented a car. Besides, we want to stay as inconspicuous as possible, and look like normal tourists." "We told everyone else that we were spending a couple weeks at Mendo's beach villa again," Shinobu added. "And I figured that these impetuous young Turks would need someone to keep them in line and keep things quiet, so I asked if I could come," Sakura said. "And of course you know that wherever I go, this sakuranbo here tends to invite himself along." She gestured to Cherry. "Hello," he greeted. "I sure could go for some sashimi about now!" "We just stopped for dinner about an hour ago!" Sakura grumbled. "But I'm still hungry!" "Aren't monks supposed to fast once in a while?" Ataru scoffed. "Just ignore him," Sakura muttered. "Now, we have to get under way as soon as possible. It'll take us most of the day to drive up to Nevada, and we'll start Operation Uru tomorrow night. Shutaro here has maps of the area, and before we retire to our beds tonight, we can study them." "Hey!" protested Mendo. "I thought I was the commander of this mission!" "No offense," responded Sakura, "but you're too young and impulsive. Please leave control to the refined patience and stalwart ways of a Shinto high priestess." "But my father works in the defense industry! I know all there is to know about troop deployment, positioning, and the art of war! My father made me memorize the battle plans of Genghis Khan, Attila the Hun, William the Conqueror, Richard III, Napoleon, Otto von Bismark, William T. Sherman, Robert E. Lee, "Stonewall" Jackson, Crazy Horse, Geronimo, Theodore Roosevelt, Gen. Montgomery, Erwin Rommel, Gen. Tojo, Charles Nimitz, Douglas MacArthur, Dwight Eisenhower, and Norman Schwartzkopf, plus every major battle from Hastings to Desert Storm! Clearly I am the military expert, so I must be the commander!" "That is why you cannot be!" Sakura shot back. "You are still young and not fully refined, therefore I fear you may become overconfident and make some fatal mistake!" "And why are you so certain that I will? The man with the most military knowledge and resources must." "Guys! Shhh!" Shinobu hissed. A police car with dome lights flashing had come to help quell the riot raging in the "Jeremy Spangler" sound stage. "I think this might be a good time to leave," Ataru reasoned. While the cops rushed into the building in riot gear, the Tomobiki Eight snuck away towards the studio gates, where the guard was busy watching "Mork and Mindy" on TV Land. Mendo had managed to pay for two suites at the Universal City Marriott, enough beds for all of them. Before they retired, Sakura announced, "Rest easy, comrades, for tomorrow we make our move to free Ataru's bride! Banzai!" "Rrghh!" growled Mendo. "I was supposed to say that!  
  
Well! Will our heroes manage to free Lum and the rest of the crowd from Planet Uru? Will their operation be a success? Don't fail to see our next thrilling episode, "Guerrillas in the Midst", or "How Ataru Got His Oni Back". 


	3. Chapter 3

MY KID'S AN ALIEN!-Chapter 3 Another "Urusei Yatsura" fanfiction story Rumiko Takahashi is the creator of UY, and holds all rights to the series and characters. But even after I wrote this nice disclaimer, she still turned down this story for a possible manga idea! Can you believe that?  
  
Barren, sandy wastes stretching as far as the eye could see, only broken now and then by a few isolated, craggy mountain peaks. The only plants were gray sagebrush and strange-looking Joshua trees. As soon as they passed through the bustle of Las Vegas, the land turned starkly empty. They only passed a few houses and cars on the road. After spending all his life in crowded Japan, Ataru Moroboshi was left dumbfounded by the emptiness of Nevada. This would certainly be the right place to put a top- secret military base to examine UFOs and alien beings like Lum and her friends and family.  
  
The gang was crammed into a Dodge minivan, driven now by Sakura as Mendo navigated. They had stopped in the flyspeck California town of Baker at a place called Militia Mike's Paramilitary Outfitters, which promised, "Everything you need to start your own revolution!" There they had bought Army-style camouflage uniforms, grappling hooks, flashlights, soldier boots, tear gas, and guns and ammo galore. They weren't going to dissect Ataru's girl, not then, never.  
  
"Okay," Mendo instructed. "Make a turn at the next main road. They call it the 'Extraterrestrial Highway'. About 20 more miles and you'll pass through a little town called Rachel. Another 5 miles past that and we'll come to a black mailbox. Then you'll wanna turn left there onto a dirt road, which we'll lead up to the entrance of the restricted area.  
  
"Thanks. You make a good navigator," Sakura complimented. "We're making good time here, people! Let's not let anything hold us back!"  
  
"I have to go to the bathroom," Cherry spoke up.  
  
"Whaaat? Oh no!" she groaned. "Didn't I tell everyone to go before we left the diner after lunch?"  
  
"Yes, but I was too busy eating," he answered. "Please?" he pleaded.  
  
"You know what? You've been nothing but a third wheel on this trip so far!" Sakura snapped. "You can just wet your robe for all I care!"  
  
Cherry said nothing in response. He just got up and shoved a CD into the player. A familiar song came out: "Don't go chasin' waterfalls, please stick to the rivers and the lakes like you're used to." When that was done; "Free fall flow, river, flow, on and on it goes, breathe underwater till the end." Then, "Here comes the rain again, falling on my head like a memory.", then, "I'm siiiiiingin' in the rain." By now everyone in the van was sweating and looking fit to burst.  
  
"All right!" Sakura shouted. "I'll stop at this next place!" She pulled into a small eatery called the Little Ale'Inn. They were now in the almost-forgotten hamlet of Rachel, Nevada, on the fringes of the notorious Area 51. All high-tailed it for the restrooms, except for Ataru. He had been listening to music on his headphones (reading in the car had made him nauseous all his life) and had actually fallen asleep in the backseat. Since everyone thought it would just be a few minutes, and he just looked so peaceful back there (in the words of his mother), no one bothered to wake him up.  
  
There was only one door in the place marked "RESTROOMS". Sakura tried to open it, but to everyone's horror, it seemed to be locked!  
  
The soda jerk, a chubby, wrinkled old man in a starched white uniform, standing behind the old-fashioned counter, smiled at her wickedly. "Sorry to tell ya, ma'am, but that there bathroom's for payin' customers only."  
  
Sakura could speak English fluently, and she replied with terror, "You're kidding."  
  
"I never kid anyone, ma'am. Look around, there's plenty o' stuff to buy." He gestured to a multitude of stuffed alien dolls (which looked like the famous bug-eyed "grays", not like Onis), shirts with silly messages like "I Want to Believe", "I Got Probed by the Reptoids and all I got was this Lousy T-shirt", "Beam Me Up, Scotty", "E.T. Phone Earth-We Miss You!", and "Next time Let the Wookie Win". The latter showed C-3PO from "Star Wars" with his arms torn off. There were also coffee mugs, posters, bumper stickers, anything to satisfy your average UFO enthusiast. "Say! Where're you folks from, anyhoo?"  
  
"We're from Japan, and by the way, we don't wanna buy any of your crap so we can use your bathroom!"  
  
"Now looky here, honey. You don't have to get rude. But we can't have just anyone who has to pee runnin' in an' out of our facilities without buying something. Otherwise we'd never make a profit!"  
  
Sakura seized him by the collar and pulled him halfway up onto the counter. "I don't think it would be wise to carry on like that. Now, either you give us the keys to the restroom, or I'm gonna do something to you. And I don't know what that something is, because everyone always does what I say."  
  
The soda jerk gulped and handed her the key. Sakura eagerly threw open the door, but they all screamed at what was inside. There was only one toilet, and it was filthy.  
  
Meanwhile , while Sakura and company had been arguing inside the Little A'LeInn, both Ataru and Ten yawned as they finally woke up again. The sky was opaque blue with high clouds, and a chilly winter wind cut across the desert, convincing Ataru to tuck in his jacket further. "Jeez, what a bleak place this is," Ataru said, gazing at the empty spaces with awe. "Kinda reminds me of Mars," Ten answered. "So Lum-chan, all her friends, and my aunt and uncle are being imprisoned somewhere out there. I hope they don't do anything nasty to them!" "Welp," Ataru reassured him, "we're gonna see to it that that doesn't happen, starting tomorrow morning. Heck, I'm not just in it for the sex, although I do want some more of that as soon as Lum as her baby. I.I really do love Lum-chan now. And now that she's about to have my child." He sighed. "I honestly don't know for sure if we're gonna succeed, I mean, breaking into a top-security American military base, getting all those aliens out of there in one piece.it's gonna take a guerrilla army like ours." "B-but, I believe we can succeed, man," Ten answered. "All we can do at this point is have faith in ourselves. Hey, why are we talking like an after-school special all of a sudden?" "I dunno," Ataru responded, "Maybe because we just don't have any important things to say at the moment, I guess." He kicked a pebble. "Say, that's a pretty big truck coming our way on the highway," he muttered, talking about a metallic humming sound that seemed to be growing louder. "Ahh.Ataru-chan, look behind you," Ten spurted, pointing skyward and behind Ataru. He glanced behind, and his eyes bugged out. Heading towards them was a large Oni ship! Both started screaming when the tiger-striped metal behemoth hovered just about a hundred feet above the ground, casting two bright lights on them. Both felt strangely frozen in place, and the entire world turned white and invisible around them.  
  
When the light dimmed, three burly Oni guards in full uniform stood before them both, weapons drawn. "So, Earthling," one of them growled. "Evidently your little plot to capture Urusian citizens and hold them for ransom is working somewhat well."  
  
"Urusians? Ransom? What are you talking about?" Ataru gasped, pleading his case.  
  
"Don't play the fool with us, Earthling. We should have seen this all along-you propose to and seduce the daughter of one of our most powerful warlord families, then impregnate her with your child so as to claim that you are related to an Oni, if only by marriage. Then on you wedding day, you and the main governments of Earth kidnap several Urusians, including the aforementioned Invader family, and will only return them on condition of a ransom! Perhaps all our planet's money or natural resources, or ownership of Planet Uru itself! Well, 'tis quite a pity that your little scheme failed!"  
  
"No, no, no. I did impregnate and marry Lum, but because I love her! And I'm trying to rescue her and her friends and family from the American government, which is holding them prisoner!"  
  
"We'll see what the Uru Parliament has to say about that!" barked another guard. "Take him to his cell, men! And as for you, Ten, for your allegiance with the Earthling enemies, you are to be punished as well!" Ten screamed and tried to escape, but the guards soon captured him, and sent him and Ataru to a cell deep within the ship.  
  
"Well, I guess that's that," Ataru sighed as he watched the ship lift off through the cell window. Below he could see the mountains and desert vanish below him, and the landscape spread out like a gigantic model railroad set. The air started to turn thin blue, with the blackness of space above, and he could also now see the Earth's curve. But Ataru didn't feel enthralled, not only since he had already been into space before and seen this view, but also because this time he was on his way to being tried on Lum's planet for a crime he didn't commit. "And now." he sobbed, some tears dripping from his eyes, "I'm never gonna see her again! I'll never see my child being born, or my parents, or my friends.or my planet." "Don't worry," Ten encouraged, patting his newfound friend on the back. "I helped you get out of the talk-show fiasco; I'll help you get out of this one too."  
  
As soon as he said that, the ship lurched suddenly and unnervingly. They felt the pilot try to steer back on course briefly, but something was pulling at the ship. "Gaaaa!" Ataru screamed. "What's happening?"  
  
"Wait a second," Ten thought. "I could see out the window. Now, if I remember my preschool universe geography class, the quickest way to reach Planet Uru from that point of Earth is by taking off at a 40-degree angle bearing southeast relative to the Earth's equator.Ohmigod! That trajectory would take us right over.the Atlantic Wormhole!"  
  
"Wh-what's that?" Ataru gasped.  
  
"Well, you may have heard from Lum that there are numerous holes in the space-time continuum, as well as between dimensions. Oyuki uses those to travel back and forth through the universe."  
  
"Uh-huh."  
  
"All wormholes are basically hazards in space travel. Some have actually been closed or shrunk over the years, but some, such as the Great Florida Wormhole, remain treacherous and are to be avoided, sort of like riptides at the beach. This wormhole is actually what caused all the Bermuda Triangle disappearances over the years."  
  
Ataru's eyes widened. "Y-you m-m-mean."  
  
"Yep," Ten breathed, with a nonetheless petrified expression on his face. "Brace yourself. We're about to be taken who knows where.or when."  
  
With nothing else to do, both held onto each other and screamed all the way down as the ship swirled downward into the small, invisible hole.  
  
  
  
Fortunately, when the ship made its passage, the two opened their eyes to find they were still alive. Best of all, out the window they could see planet Earth. But was it the same planet Earth they had come to know? What was down there? That question momentarily left their minds as they started to reenter Earth's atmosphere. The window glowed reddish-orange, the entire craft rattled and roared, and Ataru could feel the pressure building to the breaking point in his ears. Although he had never been very religious, he actually started praying that the ship would not break up. Eventually the strange colors faded away, and far below they could make out the blackness of night. In just a few minutes, as the ship neared the Earth's surface, night gave way to day again. Now they seemed to be over some water, like an ocean. Fortunately this was soon passed, and now they seemed to be coming in over land. But which continent was it? It seemed rather arid, like they were back in the Nevada desert again. But how could they be over America again after flying in the same direction. Then Ataru remembered that since the Earth is a sphere, flying constantly without any directional change would eventually bring them back to the same spot. Seeing the towns and features below growing larger, Ataru and Ten both braced themselves for impact.  
  
Even sturdy Urusian fibers couldn't handle the ship's tremendous impact. On touchdown, it broke into two pieces, which flew in separate directions. One landed in a nearby field. The rear section, in which Ataru and Ten were seated, landed in a lake, and was cushioned by cutting a path on its muddy bank. As it had been a prisoner-cargo ship, the cell in which the two had been imprisoned was built to withstand the toughest abuse. Also, any airline pilot will tell you that the safest seats are in back. The two struggled out, then dove away when they realized the soft mud they had landed in was actually quicksand.  
  
"Whoa!" Ataru gasped, still not quite believing in what had just happened. "At least we're back on Earth, but where on Earth?" The landscape was that of a desert, with craggy mountains in the distance, and rolling, barren hills making up the scenery. The small lake in which the ship had crashed was surrounded by shady tamarisk and cottonwood trees. Not far away stood a barn, a worn-looking farmhouse, and an old-fashioned windmill. The two were still trying to take it all in when they heard a voice.  
  
"Hey, git off my property! Don't make me break out my gun!" The two screamed and quickly dashed away. Fortunately, they found a dirt path which led out of the farmer's property. This was a relief; at least they seemed to be back in modern times now.  
  
A main highway lay beyond the gate, but it seemed to be out in the middle of nowhere. Ataru thought of hitching a ride to the next town, but Ten reminded him, "This is America. No one stops for hitchhikers here." So Ataru decided to foot it, and Ten decided to fly it. Some cars did pass them, but they all looked rather old, like from the 1940's. Strange. There must have been a classic car convention somewhere around. Eventually they reached the outskirts of a small American town, with low-slung houses and small shops. But something was very strange there. Not just a few, but all of the cars were, large, chromed monsters from the '40s. A boutique they passed had male mannequins clad in fedora hats and zoot suits, and the female ones in frilly dresses and poodle skirts. An electronics store sold mostly ancient-looking radios with elaborately designed speakers and dial tuners. Everyone was gazing at a primitive television set that basically looked like a radio with a tiny screen only about five inches across. Also, all the mostly white people were giving Ataru dirty looks, probably because he was Japanese. Ten was by now toddling along the sidewalk instead of flying, so as not to avert attention. The radios in the electronics store were blaring out something by Benny Goodman. "Aghh!" Ataru gasped. "Where are we? When are we?" He ducked into a chrome-lined soda fountain, which again looked like something out of "Back to the Future".  
  
"Uhh, hello sir," Ataru babbled in his rusty English to the starched- white soda jerk. "Where am I?"  
  
"I'll tell you where you shouldn't be, boy," the jerk answered. "In here. This establishment is whites-only."  
  
"Uhh, what did you say?"  
  
"I said we don't serve your kind here. Please leave." Ataru only picked up bits and pieces of what he was saying, but he got the message, and left. But first he asked one more question.  
  
"Look, could you just tell me what town this is? We are going on a long trip now."  
  
The man rolled his eyes. "This is Roswell, New Mexico. Now leave before I call the police."  
  
Roswell! Was that true? It couldn't be. But it all seemed to add up, what with the antique cars and clothes all around him. As he walked out the door, Ataru glanced at a newspaper kept on a rack by the door.  
  
The date was July 9, 1947.  
  
Ataru's eyes rolled back in his head, and he sank to the ground. So it was true. The Oni spacecraft they had been on had actually been the famous UFO that had crashed at Roswell and set off the modern UFO craze. It was the last thought passing through Ataru's mind as he sank into unconciousness yet again.  
  
"Ataru! Hey Ataru, wake up!" Ten called, patting his cheeks as people stopped to take a look.  
  
So! What will become of Ataru? Will he ever see his pals, or his alien wife, again? If so, how will they find him again? The answer is up to you! Send me a review and an idea of how the next chapter in this story should go! I'll base the next chapter of "My Kid's an Alien!" on your idea, maybe even on a combination of two or three! So don't delay, kiddies! Ataru's fate is up to you! 


	4. My Kid's an Alien!-Chapter 4

MY KID'S AN ALIEN!- Chapter 4, or "The Invasion of the Oni Snatchers" Another "Urusei Yatsura" fanfiction story The characters of "UY" were created by Rumiko Takahashi. Everything else is mine, sort of.  
  
Ataru awoke from his swoon in a bed in a darkened room. "Mom?" he called out, noticing someone. "Mom, is that you?"  
  
"There, there now," answered a feminine voice, coming from a lady moving in front of an open window, which provided the only light in the room. "You've been asleep for about two hours now."  
  
"Oh man," he groaned. "I had the weirdest dream. I dreamed an alien girl fell in love with me. She was carrying my child.and we got married. And then I traveled back in time!"  
  
"Well, you're safe and sound now," she consoled him. ".back here in good old 1947."  
  
"1947!" he gasped, sitting up and turning on a bedside light. "Hey, you're not my mom!"  
  
"Well, no," answered the pleasant blonde nurse in front of him. "Lou Statler of Lou's Café said you passed out in front of his place, perhaps due to heat stroke. It does get pretty hot here in New Mexico in the summer."  
  
"Y-you can speak Japanese?"  
  
"Hai. My dad actually used to work for the Japanese Embassy, so I learned the language in high school. I'm actually a trainee now." She smiled and sat down in a chair next to the hospital bed. "So, what are you doing here?"  
  
"Uhh," Ataru realized he had to make up an alibi quick. "My.parents in Japan were killed during the bombing of Tokyo. I've been living in an orphanage since the end of the war, and now I'm here to.see if I can move in with my aunt."  
  
"Oh my! That's so sad," she emphatically responded, rubbing a wet washcloth on his forehead. Clad in her white '40s-vintage hospital uniform, and with the lamplight coming in from the side, she looked like one of those American pinup girls from World War II. Ataru's heart sped up a little as he pictured the two together on a tropical beach, where no one could see them, both wearing very little.  
  
No. He had to get those thoughts out of his head now. He was married to the infinitely more gorgeous Lum, who was now pregnant with his child. He wanted a happy, stable family, with as little electric shocks from Lum as possible. But then another question came to mind. He had traveled 55 years back in time through a wormhole by a spaceship which was now destroyed; its occupants dead. Sakura, Mendo, and all the rest had no idea what had happened to him and Jariten. So the question was now, would he ever see Lum again? She wouldn't even be born for about 40 years.  
  
"Uhh, heh heh," he began, his dirty grin on his face. "If you're not doing anything tonight."  
  
"I'm sorry," she answered. "I already have a boyfriend. He's a soldier at the nearby army base."  
  
Ataru's heart momentarily sank. But there were still plenty of fish in the sea! "Uhh, I think I'm better now, ma'am," he told the nurse. "Can I go now?"  
  
"Well, your tests don't seem to show any real health problems or signs of heat stroke. So I guess you're free to go. Now about your bill."  
  
A lightning flash struck Ataru's brain. His bank account obviously didn't exist yet, plus credit cards did not yet exist in the 1940s.  
  
"Er, I don't have much money on me now."  
  
"Well then, since this didn't take much effort or time, we can bill your aunt later."  
  
"Oh, well thanks then. Okay!" Ataru got out of the bed and waved goodbye to the nurse.  
  
Ten had been hiding in a closet once again, and followed Ataru out of the hospital. "I can't believe you!" he snapped. "Why are you not only making promises you don't intend to keep, and making passes at other girls again?"  
  
"Think about it, buddy boy," Ataru explained. "We're basically stuck here in the '40s now. I'm probably never gonna see Lum again, so I might as well look for more girls."  
  
"Then don't you think you should worry about getting a job and finding a house and improving your English first, or maybe finding a way back to Japan, instead of going right back to girl hunting?"  
  
"So, I'll just pick up someone at a bar and move in with her."  
  
"God," Ten muttered. "This is why you need Lum-chan! She kept you in line at least! And by the way, we're in the 1940s! People had stronger morals and values back then.I mean now!"  
  
"Oh really?" Ataru asked, pointing to a GI driving by in an early Jeep filled with laughing girls, and to a burlesque hall at the other end of the block. Ten sighed. There just wasn't any stopping this beast.  
  
Ataru used about half of his cash (he had exchanged his yen for dollars before the time warp) to rent a swanky white zoot suit, a felt fedora hat, and a pair of shiny leather boots. "Heh heh," he said, admiring himself in a mirror, "I don't know what your plans are for tonight, Ten-chan, but as for me, I'm going a-girl hunting!"  
  
  
  
Some 55 years later and 700 miles away, the Tomobiki Six was in a panic. "Ataaaaaaaaaaru!!!" called Sakura. "Ten-chaaaaaannnnnnnnn!!! Where could they have gone?"  
  
"I-I don't know what to say," Shinobu gasped. "They're both nowhere to be found."  
  
"Rghh! That damned Moroboshi!" Mendo muttered, kicking some dirt. "I should've known he would go off girl hunting and ruin this mission! Why did we bother bringing him along?"  
  
"Uh, remember he was kidnapped by that talk-show host? And besides, he is married to Lum now!" Shinobu argued. "Also, what girls is he going to hunt out here?" She gestured to the barren Nevada wastelands stretching around them in all directions. As if to drive her point home, the only sounds to be heard after her comment were those of the wind and a hawk screaming in the distance.  
  
"You know what Moroboshi is capable of. He's probably having a mirage and making out with a Joshua tree right now."  
  
"Shutaro!" snapped Mrs. Moroboshi, obviously a bit edgy due to her son going missing. "Ataru has changed now. I don't know about you, but I see something different and more wholesome in him. So I don't appreciate your deprecating comments."  
  
"Besides," Shinobu added, "why would he bring Ten along if he were going girl-hunting?"  
  
"Hey, I don't plan to do this search all by myself!" Sakura called. "Quit cackling like hens and let's look around. You too, Mr. Moroboshi!" But Ataru's dad was sitting in the dining room, gazing at the TV. CNN was on, playing something that sounded important.  
  
"Hey, Sakura!" he called out to the priestess. "There's a news story on TV that I think you should check out! Especially since you and Mendo are the only ones here who are any good at English, and I'd like to know what the hell's going on there!"  
  
Onscreen, the President of the United States finished his speech. Then the camera shifted to a large Oni! A caption below read: U.S. GOVERNMENT DENIES ANY ROLE IN KIDNAPPING OF SPACE ALIENS. When the large alien began speaking, another caption read, "Zordak G'duunxi- Prime Minister of Planet Uru".  
  
The Oni leader cleared his throat and began speaking: "People of Earth: What the President of the United States of America tells you I have no comprehension of. You probably know by now that six extraterrestrials, four from my planet Uru, one from Neptune in your solar system, and another from the goddess world of Fukinokami, have been captured by the American government. They all had Urusian visas, by the way. Just earlier today an Urusian reconnaissance ship disappeared from radar screens over your planet. We Urusians have never been people to jump to conclusions, but the situation makes us quite impatient. Once again let me tell you; if America does not hand over these six aliens who were on Earth for purely peaceful purposes, then Planet Uru will be forced declare war on your country."  
  
A man captioned as one of the top brass in the Department of Defense stood up and angrily responded, "Once again, Mr. Prime Minister, we have done nothing of the sort! Our records show that we have not captured any alien beings in the past week as you assert. Furthermore, our records also show that we were not even in Japanese territory in the past week! I have no idea where your allegations come from, but I believe you are mistaken."  
  
"One again, I am baffled by your explanations," rebutted the Oni leader. "What we know, and what several members of the press and onlookers from Japan have testified, is that several extraterrestrial beings were kidnapped and detained by the U.S. Department of State, who even showed their identification. Rumors have circulated throughout the American government that they are being detained at your country's military base called Area 51, in the state of Nevada."  
  
"But we are telling the truth! I know for a fact that no extraterrestrials are currently detained at Nellis Air Force Base, and I am willing to look Americans, and people the Earth and universe over in the eyes, and say that your allegations are not true." He glared directly in the camera as he said this.  
  
The manager of the diner turned off the TV on this news. "There go that damned liberal media again," he muttered, "always trying to blame America for everything."  
  
"What the-" gasped Sakura, upon hearing this message. She told the gist of it to the rest of the crowd. "Is what the American government saying true? Could Lum and the rest have been captured by someone else and the U.S. have been framed? Could someone have just thrown us a red herring?"  
  
They had no idea that as she said this, they were being watched.by a curious jackrabbit which bounded away when it saw a hawk swooping down.  
  
"But that still doesn't answer the question of what happened to my son," wondered aloud Ataru's mom. "Let's just keep looking for him and Ten." As she said this, a huge, Hummer drew up alongside the road. The doors opened, and out stepped some strange men, all clad in black and wearing dark sunglasses. Before they could do anything, all four that were present stepped up to them.  
  
"U.S. State Department," explained one with dark hair who seemed to be their leader. "I'm afraid you people are trespassing on government property. You'll have to come with me now." Before they could do anything, they had seized the group and were dragging them to their car. All tried to escape, but the agents seemed to have an almost superhuman grip with hands and fingers of iron. They then crammed all six into the Hummer's vast backseat, jumped in front, and took off like a bullet. The car must have hit about 80 mph in just two seconds.  
  
"Hey, wait!" Mendo shouted. "What the hell's going on here? Where are you taking us?"  
  
"Don't worry, Earthling," answered one in a strange tone. "You'll soon find out." To everyone's horror, he reached to the bottom of his neck, and started peeling off his face! Of course it wasn't really his face, but an elaborate mask. Beneath that was.an alien face! But he wasn't an Oni. Instead he looked more like the aliens most people claim to see when they get abducted. He(she?) had a head shaped like a light bulb, with bulging, teardrop shaped eyes. They were somewhat like those of an insect, and totally black, with no pupils inside. They didn't even seem to reflect any light. Its nostrils and mouth were basically slits in the skin, which was lead gray. It also didn't seem to have any ears. The creature seemed to be part of the famous alien race colloquially known as the "grays". All screamed on seeing it.  
  
"You!" Sakura screeched. "You captured Lum and her parents and friends and framed the American government!"  
  
"Yes, we might as well be straight with you," answered the gray commander in a cold, emotionless voice similar to Oyuki's. "It figures you would find out sooner or later." The driver of the Hummer then pressed a small red button on the steering wheel. As soon as he did this, something radical occurred. Like in "Men in Black", the wheels flipped under the vehicle, and the various panels on its sides and top flipped around like a Transformers toy. It was turning into a spaceship! The speed accelerated even further as they zoomed upward at a 45-degree angle.  
  
The driver of an approaching RV, an elderly man traveling around the country with his wife, saw the Grays' ship launch into the sky. He just shrugged his shoulders and thought, "It happens."  
  
As soon as the transformation had been completed, belts of a strong alien fiber looped around the gang's bodies and held them firmly in place. "So where are you taking us?" asked Mendo.  
  
"Oh, you'll find out soon enough," answered the Gray commander. "But first we have to pick up your friend Ataru Moroboshi." They were passing the boundary of space now, and aiming southeast, towards the same wormhole which had drawn Ataru and Ten back in time.  
  
"What are you doing?" shrieked Mendo. "Th-th-that looks like a black hole!" Mendo had never been in outer space before, and there was a lot for him to be scared of; the infinite blackness, plus the fact that he was also afraid of heights, and he had a window seat.  
  
"Correction," answered the Gray commander. "It's a wormhole. They're smaller and not as dangerous as black holes, and yes, we are going in."  
  
The group all started screaming as the suction of gravity pulled them toward the space vortex, lined with bluish-white material being drawn in. All were screaming except for Cherry.  
  
"Don't you ever get scared?" Sakura asked him.  
  
"When you believe in fate, there is no reason to fear," Cherry mused, munching a chocolate bar.  
  
"And now," continued the alien commander, "for your treatment, heh heh. Look into my eyes."  
  
"And what if we don't want to?" asked Mendo sarcastically.  
  
"Oh, you want to. You want to," continued the Gray commander, staring at them all. Sure enough, once his gaze had even caught them out of the corner of their eyes, it was firmly anchored in his command and there was little they could do. Those dark pits.so dark and bottomless.drawing in all forms of light with no chance of escape. "Now you are in my power. You are powerless to resist."  
  
"We are powerless to resist," the humans answered in flat, zombielike tones.  
  
  
  
"So babe, would you like to dance?" Ataru asked a comely waitress at a bar in Roswell, 1947. "I've got a good feeling about us." The lady promptly smacked him.  
  
"Have you noticed that's like the tenth time you've struck out?" Ten asked him, popping up from under the bar. "Just give it a rest already!"  
  
"No, I just know someone right is gonna come along," Ataru answered. "I'm staying here till closing time!"  
  
"Yeah, 'cause you don't have anywhere else to go," muttered the alien toddler. "Okay, you can just keep on trying to pick up girls. I'm gonna look for a hotel." But as he made his way through the crowded lobby, the ominous sound of an air-raid siren filled the town.  
  
In those tense days following the advent of the atom bomb and the birth of the Cold War, that siren in that crowded bar was like detonating dynamite in a beehive. People shrieked like banshees and meshed into a confused tangle trying to squeeze out through the door. Meanwhile, the radio announced, "We interrupt 'Amos 'n Andy' to bring you this special report! A farmer from about 3 miles south of Roswell, who wishes to remain anonymous, claims that an alien spacecraft has crashed on his property! It is currently unknown whether the spaceship had merely crashed on Earth by mistake, or if it is in fact part of an impending extraterrestrial invasion! This is not another 'War of the Worlds'-style fictional radio drama! The staff of station KUKU assures listeners that we are telling the truth this time! Please either arm yourselves or calmly make your ways to the nearest air-raid shelter! We'd also like to remind people that, if you wish to start a happy family, in today's fast-paced times, you need a car! And you can find the best deals in all of Southeast New Mexico at Honest John Slickley's Packard, located just two miles north of the town center on U.S. 285. Or call Klondike 5-1756! Honest John Slickley's-if Packard doesn't make it, it ain't at Honest John's!"  
  
The town was in an uproarious panic. Soldiers were trying in vain to console the people, who were insanely trying to make their way to anyplace safe. Ataru could barely tell which way he was going. He vainly tried to plow his way through the crowd, looking for any form of relief. Finally he found it in a small alley between two buildings. Watching the insane mob out there, he wondered, not for the last time, if he would ever see anyone he knew again. Now even Ten-chan was gone, and he still had no way of getting back to his own time. Ataru then depressingly sank down and stared at the opposite wall a bit. Ten had been right; he should have at least found some place to spend the night, maybe even get a job, before going out to nab a woman. Ataru was used by now to being wrong about something, but not too many times before had his consequences been this dire.  
  
"Hello, Ataru. We've been looking for you," beckoned a familiar voice. Ataru glanced up and saw it was Sakura!  
  
"Sakura!" he happily cheered, running up to her. "But how did you get here?" Without knowing what he was doing, he wrapped his arms around her slender torso. He then braced himself for the imminent beating, but surprisingly nothing happened. "Sakura?" he asked, waving his hand right in front of her eyes. "Can't you respond to me?" Suspicious that something fishy was going on here, Ataru puckered up and gave her a full-on French kiss. Once again she just stood there with an eerily placid face.  
  
"Come on, Ataru. We have to go find Lum," she told him without any of her usual grouchiness.  
  
"Yes, Ataru," responded Mendo's voice. Sure enough, coming from behind a corner was Shutaro himself, but also with an odd vacant look in his eyes. Both sounded like they were on Prozac or something.  
  
"Yes, duty calls," continued Shinobu, who appeared behind him, also staring straight at Ataru with those spooky blank eyes.  
  
"Your parents need you," echoed Ataru's parents, following the others.  
  
"Fate commands that you come with us," drawled Cherry, bringing up the rear.  
  
"Gaaaa!" Ataru screamed. "This isn't right! You're zombies or something! Get away from me!" But he soon saw that he was caught between a rock and a hard place. At one end of the alley were the alien-crazed cattle-people, forming an impenetrable wall of humanity. At the other were his friends and parents, albeit with unsettling, emotionless faces. Frozen in place with fear, Ataru let their hands close in on him. Shinobu and Sakura were always very physically strong, but now their grips felt superhuman, like iron. Something definitely was screwy here. "Hellllllllp!" Ataru called out to the people. "The aliens have got me!!!! The aliens have got me!!! Tell the people!!!"  
  
"Now keep quiet, son," Cherry said, holding a disturbing-looking metal rod up to Ataru' head. "We don't want anyone to find out about this, now." Ataru tried to scream but Sakura's iron hand completely muffled any sound that would have come from him. He braced himself for the inevitable pain that would come when Cherry knocked him out with the rod, but instead the deranged old monk just held it up to the side of Ataru's head. A humming noise eminated from it, and once again the unlucky teenage boy felt his mind begin to dull. Without any more resistance, he let himself succumb to its powers, and drifted into sleep. 


	5. Chapter 5-Invasion of the Oni Snatchers!

MY KID'S AN ALIEN!-The Final Chapter  
  
Based on the popular characters by Rumiko Takahashi and the popular novel by Ray Bradbury. Okay, so it's not based on anything by Bradbury. It just makes me seem sophisticated.  
  
Ataru was about to ask if that was his mom when he came to again, but suddenly remembered that what had happened was as real as could possibly be. He opened his eyes to find himself standing in place. In front of him some humanlike forms were milling around. When his eyes focused more, he noticed they were actually aliens! But not Onis, rather those aliens everyone called the "Grays", the ones that people claimed always abducted them. Lum had once told him that the Grays came from Orion's Belt and were some of the most dangerous creatures in the universe. They were very weak physically, but possessed the power to control minds and literally use other beings as puppets to carry out their schemes. Apparently they had tried several times to conquer Earth, but fortunately for Earthlings, all of Earth's leaders knew about them and managed to keep them at bay with their military superiority. But now they seemed to have captured him and placed his friends and parents under their control.  
  
Ataru glanced around at his surroundings. They seemed to be in what looked like an airplane hangar, with vintage jeeps and aircraft off to the sides. But closer to them was the Grays' ship, a flying saucer! And over there, next to those other Grays, was. "Darling! Get us out of this!" Sure enough, there in a force-field cage formed by blue "bars", were Lum, Ran, Benten, Oyuki, and Lum's parents. Lum was huge now, barely contained by even her skimpy bikini. That was Ataru's baby in there. Overjoyed to see her, he tried to run over there. But to his shock, he couldn't move.  
  
"Rrrrgh!" he groaned. "Oh Lum-chan, I can't move!"  
  
"Oh no," she sobbed, starting to cry. "They put you in a force field too! Those.those.bastards!"  
  
Ataru screamed a little when one of the grays strode up to him, staring him down with those unsettling, insect-like eyes. "So, I have heard that Oni is your wife."  
  
"You just wait till I get out of this, Space Ant!" Ataru yelled, trying hard to move. "What do you want her and those other aliens for, anyway?"  
  
"Simple, really," answered the Gray officer in front of him. "We need fuel for our spaceships in our quest to conquer the universe. When news spread that you, an Earthling, had impregnated an Oni, we couldn't believe our luck. The yolk of Oni eggs makes an excellent fuel source. Plus, Oni flesh is quite tasty." After he said this, he peeled back his lips (or at least where his lips should have been), and revealed a mouthful of sinister, needle-like teeth, which he licked with a lavender tongue.  
  
Ataru exploded. "You little gray bastard! I'll tear you apart! No one eats my wife if I can do anything about it!"  
  
"But I don't think there is much you can do about it," continued the Gray officer. He squinted his eyes slightly and suddenly a powerful electric current coursed through Ataru's body. It must have had at least three times the voltage of Lum's normal shocks. As he stood there, unable to move, feeling like a microwaved TV dinner, the sinister Gray continued his story. "So we hypnotized some American government agents, and sent them to kidnap the pregnant Oni girl and her friends and family. This would inevitably lead to a war between your pathetic planet and the far- superior militaries of Planets Uru, Fukinokami, and Neptune, and would ultimately spell the end of the human race, leaving Earth ripe for our colonization. But then when the Urusian ship you were on was sucked into a wormhole that sent you back in time to the Christian year 1947, we thought of an even better idea. We would hypnotize the American government into giving us the formula for the atomic bomb, at a time when the technology was brand new and only available to the Americans. Then we would use it to not only wipe out human civilization, but also those of the known universe. They may have more sophisticated technology and better organized militaries, but so far, the atomic bomb is one of the most destructive weapons in the entire universe. And now that it is in our power, there is nothing you can do to stop us."  
  
"Dang it," he muttered, "where's Ten-chan when you need him.again? I mean, even if he was becoming the Jiminy Cricket to my Pinocchio, he was still right, and he saved my ass last time!"  
  
"Sorry, Ataru-chan," Ten answered, fluttering up to him. "But we can't let you do that." To Ataru's horror, the Oni toddler also had that unsettling blank look in his eyes too.  
  
"Aghhh!" he groaned. "Not you too! Now what am I supposed to do?"  
  
"There's no need to be afraid," the Gray officer calmly told him. "All we need for you to do for us now is to take this laser knife and cut open your wife, so we can have her egg. And as for the rest, they shall spend the rest of their lives as slaves in our plutonium mines in the Crab Nebula. I'll start by turning off your force field."  
  
"The second you do," Ataru growled, as the alien held up a silvery gun, "I'm gonna perform an alien autopsy on you, without knives or anesthetic."  
  
"Well, I don't think you will," the little gray person answered. "I don't think you will." He(she?) fixed its eyes on Ataru. Those deep, dark pools of blackness, holes from which nothing could escape, like black holes, black, deep, dark.  
  
The world seemed to grow dull and time itself seemed to slow down. The alien's mighty power was drawing him closer, ever closer, commanding him to kill Lum. "Darling." The voice sounded familiar, unknown yet welcoming, like water on the lips of a man crawling across the desert. Ataru glanced away from the blackness to focus on a green glow slightly above his eye level. There, in the midst of it, was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She had a perfect figure, clad only in a skimpy tiger-striped bikini, long hair, and childlike blue eyes. But something about her was different from all the others; her hair was green, and small, stubby horns poked out of the top of her head. She was gently floating above his eye level, like a leaf in a breeze. She seemed so strange and exotic, and yet also somehow familiar to Ataru. "Darling, I love you with all my heart. Please, please don't hurt me or our child."  
  
Somehow her words spoke to him more strongly than the eyes that were trying to become his mind. Like they were trying to reawaken something in him that he had forgot. Like he had to do something else.  
  
"Please, Darling?" pleaded the otherworldly girl, with a plaintive tone that nearly made Ataru drop to his knees and start to cry. As he approached her, with the evil-looking laser knife beam in his arms aimed at her, she sniffed and tears ran from her eyes like a faucet. "These people are evil, Darling! Don't listen to them! Their next move will be to use you and your friends and family to destroy your planet!"  
  
But I must, he thought. But I don't really want to, do I ?, he thought.  
  
"Yes," answered a cold yet calm voice. "Yes you must. To perform our demands is bliss."  
  
"No, Darling!" sobbed the girl. "Please listen to me! Use your mental energy to break this spell!"  
  
Mental energy, he thought. I never had much mental energy. My average is a D+. How should I stop them?  
  
"There is no way," answered the other voice. "Let us be your guides and do our bidding."  
  
"Please, Darling?" cooed the floating, bikini-clad girl, who bobbed down to Ataru and kissed him passionately. Ataru could feel himself shifting into high gear as she started peeling away her skimpy clothing, rubbing herself against him, burying her tongue in his mouth, grabbing and squeezing with her arms everywhere.  
  
"Lum-chan," he gasped. It was all coming back to him now. "Oh Lum- chan, how I love you! I could never let anything bad happen to you!" The blackness vanished from Ataru's field of vision, and soon things fell back into focus. He was now standing before the force field cage, with the laser knife still held in position. Lum, plump and rosy with the baby, cowered in the corner with a pinched face and red, tear-stained cheeks. She braced herself for the pain when her Darling swung the knife forward.and slashed the wires powering the force field generator! Sure enough, the blue beams vanished.  
  
"Yeah!" howled Benten. "Gonna use us for slave labor and eat my friend; I don't think so! Eat my boots!" And she rushed toward the Grays.  
  
The Gray commanders quickly grabbed their energy blasters, but Ataru knocked some out of their hands (along with their heads and arms), while Benten and Lum's parents took care of the rest.  
  
"Guys!" Ataru announced to his friends, parents, and some American soldiers standing hypnotized nearby. "Think about something you really, really like! I tried thinking about Lum naked! Okay, it doesn't have to be that specific or explicit, but you can picture anything you truly love!"  
  
So Ataru's dad pictured himself making out naked with his wife on a tropical beach. Ataru's mom pictured herself making out naked with Rei on the same beach. Mendo pictured himself making out naked with Lum, Sakura, and Asuka on the same beach. Shinobu pictured herself making out naked with Inaba. Sakura pictured herself making out naked with Tsubame. Ten pictured making out naked with.well, just about every girl in Tomobiki (even Ataru's mom was there), except of course for Mako. And Cherry pictured himself eating a full-course luau banquet on the beach, naked. Not that he had some sick food fetish, but he was actually a nudist at heart. He also wanted to try and get rid of his tan line. If you just pictured what Cherry's tan line looks like, you win this year's "Sick Little Monkey of the Year" award.  
  
"Charrrrrrrge, men!" bellowed Sakura, once she had been jolted out of her trance. The Tomobiki Eight rushed toward the aliens, along with Lum's parents and friends, and a couple hundred formerly mesmerized American soldiers. The aliens tried their mind-control powers on them, but now that they all had their minds set on a clear task, they could mow down the fragile Grays like corn.  
  
In the end, all the crew suffered were some injuries, burns, and contusions. Ataru stood back and gazed at the crumpled, torn bodies of the Grays. "Damn," he gaped, "I sleep with Lum just once and the next thing I know, I'm back in time in 1947 killing aliens in New Mexico. Maybe they were right about how a butterfly that flaps its wings in Brazil causes a typhoon in Japan."  
  
"Well, either way," Shinobu added, "your hentai sense saved us all. Who'd have thought your libido would one day be our salvation, especially after all the trouble it's gotten us into over the years?"  
  
"Darling-oop! I think I'm due to lay the egg soon," Lum gasped. Sure enough, she was having trouble breathing, and couldn't keep her legs together.  
  
"As school nurse, I'll help deliver this.egg," Sakura offered. She went up to the laboring alien as the others eagerly gathered around. Lum's mom said something in the chirpy Oni language which translated to, "Oh! I'm going to be a grandmother soon!" (Actually, our translators have no idea what it actually meant, but we can assume it was along those lines.)  
  
As Sakura offered breathing exercises and Ataru bit his lip awaiting the news, he heard the engine of a Jeep entering the hangar. Closely escorted by dark-suited Secret Service agents, was an important-looking figure with specs and a cliff-like jaw. "All stand at attention for Harry Truman, President of the United States!"  
  
The President grimaced slightly at the mutilated alien bodies, leaking lavender blood. "So, what exactly is going on here?" he asked.  
  
"It's.uh, quite an interesting story here, Mr. President," answered the general in charge of Roswell Army Air Field. "Some evil aliens landed here with apparent intent to conquer Earth. They had also kidnapped some other, peaceful aliens, and one of those is about to give birth."  
  
"Actually, just lay an egg," corrected Mr. Invader. "The baby won't hatch for another nine months."  
  
"Right. Anyway, the evil ones were defeated by our troops here and these fine young Japanese people, who claim to be from the year 2002."  
  
The President briefly rolled his eyes. "Right," he said. "I'm.not gonna ask any more questions, but I am gonna want to have these extraterrestrial bodies and spacecraft kept here for scientific research. And I'd also like this hangar, number 18, kept off limits from now on."  
  
"Yeah, yeah," exclaimed Mendo in English. "Come witness the miracle of creation!"  
  
About fifteen minutes later.  
  
"Ewww!" groaned Shinobu.  
  
"Yecch," answered Ataru.  
  
"Barfff!" went Mendo.  
  
"AAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" bellowed Lum. Everyone standing in the room, even the famously rugged President Truman, were knocked over like bowling pins.  
  
About two thousand miles away, in a tiny Minnesota town called Frostbite Falls, a small flying squirrel and a large, stupid moose were sitting together outside a shack. "You hear something, Rocky?" asked the moose.  
  
"Yeah, sounds like the whistle at the lumber mill again," answered the squirrel.  
  
Meanwhile, back in Roswell, Lum sat panting in front of a large, wet egg with a shell colored lavender and dotted with pink speckles, about the size of Ten. Although most of the crew had nearly lost their lunches watching the spectacle, and Mendo had, they erupted in cheers for Lum. Ataru joyously ran over and hugged her. "Oh Darling," she sighed, "thank you. I can't wait for the baby to hatch."  
  
President Truman offered thanks, and the U.S. Army bade them farewell as the group piled into the Gray's old flying saucer, and flew back through the wormhole to their time. Their first stop was Washington, D.C., where Lum's parents, etc. helped straighten out the mess between the planets. The U.S. government hid the saucer at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base in Ohio, where most of the wreckage from the Roswell crash had been stored. After a memorial service for the Oni soldiers who had been killed in the Roswell crash, the President flew them home to Japan on Air Force One, while helping straighten things out with the Japanese government. Once home, Ataru's parents helped set up a "nest" of old sheets and clothes where Lum could sit on her egg. Oni mothers have to do so for the entire nine-month duration not only to keep it warm, but also to establish an early bond between mother and child. It helps develop telepathic powers. It was a rather dull nine months without Lum to liven things up in Tomobiki, but of course the wait would be well worth it.  
  
The big day came on a brisk, windy day in mid-October. The Moroboshi house was crammed with journalists, but Lum didn't mind. She had always wanted to be a mother, and her dream would soon finally come true. She had no problem with cameras constantly flashing in front of her face, with her "Darling" in her arms, putting on a typically goofy grin.  
  
"Oh, Ataru-kun!" said Shinobu, sobbing with happiness. "Good luck with your baby! I'm sorry about how I yelled at you when you first got Lum pregnant! I think you'll make a great dad!"  
  
"Heh, heh," laughed Ataru's dad, leafing through some yen bills. "Go ahead and have as many kids as you want. If it means all these royalties, go get 'em!"  
  
"Hey, how about it, hon?" Ataru asked his wife, a hungry grin on his face.  
  
"Not tonight, Darling. I'll probably be having to nurse the baby and change its diaper. Maybe this weekend." She pulled him in again and smooched him some more, to the delight of all the photographers. "Oh! I can see the first cracks!"  
  
Everyone gathered closer. Sure enough, the baby was starting to punch cracks in the shell.  
  
"Awright! Lummy's a mommy!" shouted Benten. "Attababy! Show that shell no mercy!"  
  
"Yay! A new cousin!" cheered Ten.  
  
"Agghh! We're grandparents!" screamed Ataru's parents.  
  
"Hooray," added Oyuki simply in her standard monotone.  
  
The first piece gave way.Then the shell split in two, and folded open like a book. Out floated a tiny Oni girl! She had her mom's demure face and wide eyes, and her dad's black hair, but hers was long and straight, also like her mom's.  
  
The baby yawned and stretched in front of the many flashbulbs. Ran quickly dashed forward, dried her off, and dressed her in a small tiger- striped dress similar to the one Lum had worn as a girl. "Mommy!" cried the little one, fluttering toward her mother.  
  
"Darling, I've done all the work so far," Lum told her husband, beaming at their brand-new daughter. "Why don't you name her?"  
  
"Okay." Ataru thought for a bit. "How 'bout Rumiko, after my favorite manga artist."  
  
"You mean the beloved creator of 'Ranma ½', the Mermaid Saga, and 'Inu-yasha'?" asked Mendo.  
  
"But you forgot one," added Shinobu. " 'Maison Ikkoku'! I love that series; it's so romantic!"  
  
"I love that choice!" Lum cooed. She handed the baby to Ataru's waiting arms. "Hello, honey. Your name is Rumiko-chan, or Ruko for short. This is your daddy."  
  
"Hi," greeted Ruko, waving at her father. Ataru was struck once again by how intelligent Oni babies are by Earthling standards, but since they do hatch from eggs, that means their heads and brains don't have to be undersized at birth to squeeze out the birth canal.  
  
Then she glanced over a bit and noticed Mendo.  
  
The cameras followed Ruko as she clumsily fluttered toward him and embraced his arm near the shoulder. "Hiya, stud! What's your name?"  
  
Everyone in the room bent over laughing as Mendo frightenedly tried to shake off the amorous alien baby. "That's Shutaro Mendo, the richest boy on the planet!" giggled Shinobu. "Good luck with him; he's quite the player!"  
  
"Well, hey, Darling," drawled Ruko, "are you single?"  
  
"Well, uhh, sorta." answered Mendo. "Gahhhh, you Onis freak me out! Go play with your parents!" And he grabbed Ruko by her tiny horns and dragged her back to the waiting Ataru and Lum. They, Shinobu, Sakura, Cherry, and Ataru's parents gasped with surprise.  
  
"Mendo!" began Lum. "Y-you just grabbed Ruko's horns! Do you know what that means?"  
  
"No."  
  
Ataru exploded with laughter. "It means you have to marry her, just like what happened with me and Lum! Congratulations, buddy!"  
  
"Darling!" cried Ruko, planting kisses all over Mendo's face. "Yes I will marry you! Oh, this is the happiest day of my life! Of course, we'll have to wait till I'm 16; then we can get married in the American state of Louisiana, but until then, I'm moving in with you, t'cha!" By now everyone in the room, even the journalists, were laughing so hard most of them were wetting their pants. Mendo, meanwhile, rolled his eyes into the back of his head and collapsed to the ground.  
  
The End  
  
Special Bonus Offer! Anyone who caught the Stephen King reference will win a free all-expense paid trip to Neptune to have a date with Oyuki! Call 1- 800-I-LOVE-LUM to win, or send checks of $14.95 to Date Oyuki Sweepstakes, P.O. Box 16466, Pennassagunk, NJ 07666 in the U.S., or in the UK to 17 Lumley Drive, Ralston Purina, Camfordshire, OU8 12B4U. 


End file.
